Fear is not a funny thing.

Good morning. This weekend has been a little nerve racking. For better or worse (and I mean that literally) this is scan week. As of Saturday we began the process of getting ready for scans. We started Sydney on SSKI (Potassium Iodide) to protect her thyroid glands. This is all pretty normal and routine stuff. We have this down. What it seems like we are never ready for is -Sydney showing signs of funkiness - and boy is she. If I am going to be real honest with the world, I have not been as scared of the disease in Sydney in quite some time. In fact, I think it was the improvement in the last set of scans that got be truly breathing easier. Regardless, I really haven't been thinking of neuroblastoma in Sydney. I have been thinking how cute she was when she played with her brother and sister, how proud I was of her at school, and how twerpful she could be. I have been thinking of normal stuff and not consumed with the fear. It has been a nice road. It is hope for everyone out there that after treatment there is hope for some since of carefree normalcy. However, for the moment at least, it is gone for me.

Sydney has stuff. When I say stuff I also mean more than one stuff which is one of the things that really has gotten the blood to begin boiling. Sydney has had so many different ailments as of late that it is difficult to remember them all. I can remember some sporadic low grade fevers in the last few weeks. I can also remember that she spent the better part of 3 days last week limping because her heal hurt. I pretty much brushed those two events off. After all, both Lynley , Ainsley and DeeDee were sick at about the same time. That alone could explain the fevers. The fact that her heel hurt was a little more disconcerting but I have hurt my heel on many occasions and know exactly how that can happen. I was pleased when the pain left near the end of the week and that was enough for me to begin to breathe more easily. Starting after school on Friday this all began to multiply and it is what now has Lynley and I in a pretty skittish state.

Sydney's ailments have multiplied. It is now her ankle that hurts. Yes, the ankle on the same leg that the heel hurt as of last week. She has also complained that her stomach hurt and I have seen her appetite fall off drastically. In fact, after not eating dinner last night she claims to have thrown up. Headaches have also come and gone this weekend. I think the most obvious sign that something is truly amiss is the fact that she went to bed early last night while the other kids were playing in our bedroom. The odd thing about all of this is how active she has continued to be through much of this. Her bright demeanor and frolicky play always make you wonder if all of these ailments are real or an illusion. I guess that is what makes her early trip to bed all that more ominous and scary.

I am not pulling any punches here. We are scared.

I can hear every beat of my purpose.